I’m building a wall too…

We’ve all experienced it, we’ve all been hurt by others and we’ve all hurt other people. It’s part of life and somewhat unavoidable unless we live a life completely cut off from everyone.

But, you know, sometimes I feel like that’s the direction I’m heading in. I find that as the years go by, the experiences I have are causing me to put up a ‘wall’ of sorts. I notice I am becoming more reluctant to forge new friendships because there is a risk of wasted effort that I don’t want to take. I know exactly what I’m doing, but it’s a measured decision. To me I feel like I am saving myself the pain and hurt of being let down but I know I am forgoing any possible good times and meaningful conversations and everything else a great friendship can bring.

I’m doing it with relationships I already have too. I have less patience for those who let me down now and I find that my capacity for giving second chances and even moving past things has dwindled massively. I take what I’m told, even by those closest to me, with a pinch of salt now because I’ve learned that words can be lovely and make us feel loved and special and happy, but it’s ACTIONS that really make the difference.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m lucky enough to have extraordinarily reliable people in my life. People that remind me each day that the world is not full of people who will just let me down – they make me feel valued and listened to and I am eternally grateful for that. I guess it’s why I can be so choosy when it comes to new friendships.

I try and live by a principal where I treat others how I want to be treated, I give people space when I think they want it but I also try to be there for them as much as I can when they need it. I try to think of others and remind them that I’m thinking of them and I try to boost my special people up whenever I can. But, I know I’m not perfect! And this is the dilemma I have – because how can I expect people to forgive my foibles and transgressions when I proclaim to have less and less patience for everyone else’s?!

The truth is, I don’t know! But my wall is there whether I like it or not, it gets higher when I feel hurt or let down by others whether I like it or not. It’s self preservation now. My wall may cut me off, but it protects me too and right now it’s what I need.

Athena X

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